Gender Queer, It’s Not All Woman or Man
January 15, 2010 by Caitlin
Filed under Bloggers, Caitlin Frazier, Voices of Xenia
Last night I participated in the following conversation in downtown Los Angeles:
Friend 1: That cop, she’s following that guy.
Friend 2: No, I think the cop is a man.
Friend 1: No, it’s a guy!
Me: I think it’s a woman.
Friend 1: A “Pat”
Friend 2: That’s sad that we can’t tell.
Me: But, why is it sad?
Friend 2: Because I’m a woman.
Me: But, you’re a woman. That’s how you identify.
Friend 2: Yeah, but you’re either a woman or a man.
Me: Not necessarily
Friend 2: Huh?
Me: There’s such thing as gender queer, people who don’t identify with being a woman or a man. It is a form of transgender.
I’ve been thinking about this conversation ever since. My friend, “Friend 2″ was completely befuddled by the idea of gender queer. And to be honest, I probably was when I was first introduced to it as well. Thinking back, I first heard about it when a friend from high school had decided to self identify as gender queer. I thought our friend had completely jumped off the deep end. I was all for liberalism and diversity but this just seemed crazy. Several years later, I can see the beauty of having the freedom to have both masculine and feminine features, to be confined by neither gender.
You may be thinking that everyone is born either male or female which translates into gender. However, we know from transgenderism that biological sex (given at birth) does not always translate into gender, which is sociologically constructed. For more on this and the basics of transgenderism, check out my blog, Are you Trans(gender) Literate?
Depending on your level exposure to different kinds of people, you may never meet someone who identifies as gender queer. But, we’ve all met or seen people whom we cannot easily place into a clear gender man/woman binary. Instead of looking down or pitying these people, remember that they may intentionally look that way. Some biologically female people have very masculine traits. Some biologically male people have very feminine traits. Maybe they decide to transition, maybe they don’t. Here’s a blog post from a gender queer person.
“Are you a boy or a girl?” A perplexed waitress at a Dunkin’ Donut in the heart of New York City asked of me when I entered the shop. “I just wanted a muffin; I don’t think my gender matters.” I said but she didn’t seem to understand, she was rather too interested on what was in my pants. “Are you a boy or a girl?” I sighed. I don’t identify as either being genderqueer but I don’t like having to explain myself all the time to everyone. Mostly because people can only wrap their head around the gender binary and not think outside the box. It got me thinking though, why do perfect strangers care too much about what’s in my pants? It doesn’t matter to anyone unless they wanted to sleep with me. But, for some reasons, this lady’s whole identity was formed around a world of boys and girls. I bite the bullet since I really wanted my muffin, “I’m a girl.” She let out a relieved sigh and then got my muffin. Again, I was forced into the oppressive gender binary to comply with the needs of an oppressive society. It isn’t just the males that oppress; it is also other women who’ve been conditioned to think as such.
In an ideal society, I would have been able to get my muffin without being hassled about what’s in my pants. However, this is America – home of the free if you are rich and fix into neat boxes. Most people can’t wrap their head around genderqueer – which is outside of the gender binary. I am something else – not just another gender but I am beyond gender. People can at least understand transsexual, but when it comes to genderqueer, people just don’t get it. They want to box you in. I am sometimes envious of my transsexual allies because they have a gender identity to claim – even if they are handicapped by being born into the wrong body. I, however, have no place to go. No identity. I suck it up and usually go with lesbian because I am female bodied and like women but that doesn’t describe me. I’m queer but queer is considered to be such a dirty word by polite society.
As the above illustrates, there is nothing wrong with being somewhere in the middle. It’s not simple or clear cut but neither are we. I can remember being a kid at church and avoiding another church goer because I was never sure of this person’s gender and I was afraid I might say something offensive. This was exactly the wrong approach. Avoiding these people only further isolates them. If you’re not sure of a person’s gender (and you actually need to know, not because you’re just selling them a muffin as in above), the best thing to do is ask. Yes, it’s awkward and uncomfortable but it gets easier. One tip I’ll give is this: Use the word “identify,” as in, “How do you identify your gender?” This allows for a broader range of responses. “Are you a boy or a girl?” as quoted above only allows for two answers and therefore already confines the respondent. For more info on being gender queer, transgenderism and asking people their gender, watch this amazing video.
One more thing about the original conversation. I want to address the use of “Pat” to describe people who are or appear gender queer. I’ve heard this used several times. In theory, people think it’s funny or clever to call someone “Pat” because it is a name to describe a man, as in Patrick, or a woman, as in Patricia. I’m not prone to thinking this is particularly funny. I think it’s a way of pointing out people for being different, something with which we are culturally obsessed.
It’s scary to us that people can be so different. We want the world to fit into good/bad, male/female, us/them, black/white. But, the world is not black and white. It’s shades of gray and every color in the rainbow. Let’s embrace it.
Caitlin is a University of Oklahoma graduate who is recently completed an Americorps year of service in Los Angeles, CA. She lives in LA and writes freelance.
I think it’s sad that Friend 2 – thinks it sad you can’t tell. Rather, I wonder if she’s ever considered her gender identity or if it’s just her conditioned response. Most people who fit into binaries and boxes never really understand why they are a “woman” or a “man” they just accept it as fact. To have a true understanding of anything, even yourself, is to question it. Accept nothing for truth. Question authority. Question yourself. Who is me? There are as many genders as there are people. If you talk to different people about what makes them their gender, they’ll have different responses. Even if someone appears to be a certain gender, inside, they might identify as something different so appearances can be deceiving. Personally, I don’t like being asked how I identify. It gets really annoying that people care so much about genitalia and not regarding me as a person. That is such a binary way to view the world. I think my gender is only of concern of people who want to sleep with me because that’s the only time it really matters. It doesn’t matter for anything else. Now, the polite thing to ask, if you have any associating with me, is to ask, “What pronoun would you prefer?” For me, I usually go with female pronouns to make it easy on everyone as I am female bodied. However, some gender-neutral people prefer gender neutral pronouns like ze/hir or some prefer using they/their/them. As the author said, it is a rainbow out there. Don’t be afraid of it. I dislike the fact that my mere existence is a conflict for some people because it doesn’t fit in their idea of how gender should be. Gender is a form of hierarchy and oppression. I’ll have no part in it.
I think this discussion is a good one, and it really challenges us to consider how we construct our world and how it’s constructed for us. This past summer I was very interested in the case of Caster Semanya, the South African champion runner whose gender was picked apart in the media because she didn’t “look” like a woman, even though she identified as one. Even though she identified herself as a woman, she wasn’t given that luxury in society because she was different. I often think that a marker of our human rights is to identify ourselves as we choose, and sometimes those identifications are blurry, hazy or just different. And we as a society and community have to learn how to be comfortable with that difference.
As far as “Pat” goes: pretty sure they’re referring to the Julia Sweeney, SNL character.
But then there is the implied, whether accidental or not, in your post that “genderqueer” is someone who may not look outwardly male or female. However, the beautiful thing about “queer” is that it can’t be quantified. Someone whose looks are very female or male could consider themselves genderqueer, since they have a more mental or psychological view of themselves and others outside the strict binary gender system. Reading especially lesbian literature brings out this point.
The most basic point is why should we assume anything about anyone? Simply because statistically here in the United States most people will probably identify as male or female, that doesn’t mean we should place that identity upon them without allowing them to identify themselves first.
I enjoyed this post precisely because it offers a glimpse in to a way of thinking that fits my own so nicely – eschewing category, people are just people. Sad to say, too many are concerned, as the quoted section notes, what is in other people’s pants, in part as a way to “fit” others in to our previously existing understanding of the world. Rather than allowing experience to guide our understanding, we insist that the world must fit in to the pre-existing boxes in our brains, “man”, “woman”, “straight”, “gay”, what have you.
On the other hand, someone who does not fit those, or some other, category should understand that an encounter – in a donut shop, in the Mall, in Church, wherever – is not just an annoyance with an ingnorant individual. It might also be seen as an opportunity to educate by example the very human possibility of living a fully human life outside the ofter constricting boxes we think are forever. Of course, I can understand why it might grow wearying, especially when the question is put so baldly – “Are you a man or a woman?” – but, even anger and frustration can be guides toward a moment of clarity for others who wish to pin one down.
@Jess Five, Thanks for the critique that asking about pronoun is the best way to go. That’s great advice. Also, thank you for the original blog that I quoted above. I agree that the confines of gender can be restrictive, but I think gender can also be empowering. Like everything, it goes both ways.
@Michelle, It’s a good observation that I implied in the post that genderqueer people look genderqueer. I think that this happened only because in the initial discussion that sparked the blog, the person looked like they may identify that way. But of course, anyone can be genderqueer. As Barbara/facebook user says above, a marker of human rights is how we identify, and anyone can identify that way, regardless of any physical appearance.
What if your body does say something important about your identity outside the sexual realm? What if the body is inherently meaningful? Why do we think “who we really are” can be abstracted from our lived experience, in which we experience and relate to the world as bodily creatures? What if Wendell Berry is right when he says:
“By dividing body and soul, we divide both from all else. We thus condemn ourselves to a loneliness for which the only compensation is violence—against other creatures, against the earth, against ourselves. For no matter the distinctions we draw between body and soul, body and earth, ourselves and others—the connection, the dependences, the identities remain. And so we fail to contain or control our violence. It gets loose. Though there are categories of violence, or so we think, there are no categories of victims. Violence against one is ultimately violence against all. The wilingess to abuse other bodies is the willingness to abuse one’s own. To damage the earth is to damage your children. To despise the ground is to despise is fruit; to despise the fruit is to despise its eaters. The wholeness of health is broken by despite.” (Unsettling of America: Culture and Agriculture, 106).
The only alternative is not a complete gender binary (“Men are stoic, providers, active; women are emotional, nurturers, passive”). Actually, both of the presented views stem from a false idea of Descartes that distinction means complete difference. He sees the body and mind as distinct, therefore they are totally different in his view, and the person is “really” his or her mind. Men and women are distinct, therefore (in this view) they are completely different.
No, there is another alternative. The person is a unity of both body and soul; the body is inherently meaningful to who I am, and to try to live otherwise creates a violence within myself. Men and women are distinct, but both possess all human qualities, just differently. Both men and women nurture; both men and women are competitive; both men and women have emotions (and reason).
My heart goes out to those who feel they are in the wrong body and were born the wrong gender. But it seems to me to be much healthier to learn to embrace one’s own body as it is and come to a better understanding of its meaning rather than try to overcome the “limitations” of our beautiful bodies as they naturally are. To quote Wendell Berry again,
“Modern persons feel a tension between their mind and their body; their mind seems infinite and would be truly infinite if only the inconvenient impositions of the body would cease to limit its progress to total self-domination and self-determination. If the mind can think of anything possible — as surely it can — then it ought to be free to impose all possible thoughts on the mute, innert material world.
When the human person seeks to become pure spirit — not by asceticism, which is an acceptance of the body’s dominion and an attempt to allay and endure it, but by the reconception of his body as a possession of the mind, separate from it as a suitcase is from its owner — he risks “suicide.” That is, he risks killing himself, by thinking himself something other than he is: an angel rather than a man, a pure intellect rather than an embodied one, an unbounded infinite spirit rather than a conditioned rational animal. When we pursue this course, we become fallen angels, the arrogance of our aspirations plunging us into that rare sort of unhappiness, where we hate most that which makes our earthly lives possible: our individual bodies. And we show our hatred, most often, by treating what we disdain as a worthless but greedily hoarded tool of our pleasure.”